Monday 22 October 2018

Life has been so hard on me. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to get out from this mess. I'm on the verge of giving up. I can't seem to have strength in my leg anymore more although I know I have to keep on walking but honestly, I'm tired. I'm done.

Sunday 23 September 2018

I don't what is going on with me right now. I couldn't understand myself anymore. Why do I feel so upset  with everyone? Why can't I stop comparing myself with everyone and everything? I can't stop thinking. I have what I have, but why do I want what others have too eventhough I know deep inside I don't need it. I don't really want it in the first place but why do I keep feeling like this. I'm exhausted. I need to stop. But I don't know how or maybe I know how but I just can't. I need to stop thinking. I keep on thinking about it. I can't stop. It's a mess inside my head. A complete mess. I'm just anxious. I couldn't stop feeling anxious. My heart is beating so fast as I'm typing this and I'm just staying still. It feels suffocating. If I can just throw up everything real quick. Im just typing everything out. I want to say so mamy things but it stuck in my stomach my liver  or I don't know somewhere inside. Just get out. I want it to get out from my body my mind my stomach my eyes my brain my heart my skin just get out get out get out get get out help I feel like crying bit I can't help het it out from me get it out get out get out get out get ouy get out stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking stip thinking stop thinking stop thinking stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stip stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop okay that went away real quick i should force myself to sleep before it come crawling back inside

Friday 21 September 2018

Maybe, I am not as forgiving as I think I am. I always feels like I forgot what people do to me, I thought I was a nice person, brushing everything of and act like nothing happen afterward. I'll try to laugh it out most of the times. Even if  I'm terribly upset about something, I told myself that I was okay with it. Well, apparently not.

People used to say sorry to me but now, not anymore. Maybe, because I say "it's okay" most of the time so people are used to it they don't  find it necessary to say it anymore although they know it upsets me.

I really thought I was okay with everything but I just came to realized that I was never okay. I never forget. I always take it to heart. I'm not a nice person. I'm not an easy going person. I'm actually really sensitive. I'm really soft. I break easily. But, I act like everything is okay because I want people to like me. I want people to be comfortable with me. Only to end up being really hurt at the end of the day. Not being able to tell anyone and always have to keep it bottled inside.

I wish I can speak well so that I can speak my mind confidently. I wish I can write well so that I can write prettily what I really feel. I just want people to understand me.

Monday 10 September 2018

They make fun of me. I'm truly living a lonely life that the only friends I have were making fun of me just because I like an instagram post. They think it is funny to laugh at someone who already feel miserable that she choose to take some time alone healing herself from being mad at them in the first place just because she couldn't said it out loud to their face afraid that they would think she is bitter and pathetic. Now, I'm way beyond mad, I don't know what it is but I'm just way beyond mad.

I just want to go.

Wednesday 22 August 2018

I'm losing myself these days.

It's easy to pretend you are okay when you are with family and friends, you know. They used to notice when I'm having a hard time with myself. They seek me out. But, now, I don't know. It's either I got better and become reaallly good at pretending or they simply just don't care anymore or probably too occupied to notice.

I was in mid conversation with my sis the other day and laughing when suddenly it hits me, I don't really laugh that time. It was an empty laugh. Maybe it was not obvious but I feel deep down inside, it was empty like really empty. It was more of a sigh than a laugh I suppose.

I don't own my body anymore. I feel like I'm no longer here. I'm just simply functioning. I breathe because I can't stop breathing. I walk, talk or laugh because I have to, not because I want to. I went to sleep because I have to wake up the next day not because I feel sleepy or anything. Sometimes it feels like my heart would stop beating any second but it doesn't. It becomes really slow and painful and I feel like I'm falling into a pit of darkness and become extremely sad for few minutes then it goes away.

Maybe I just miss everyone so much. It is good to know that my friends are doing great and  they are happy. My family too are doing so well. I wish I can be part of it.


Tuesday 24 July 2018

I'm miserable.

I'm a coward. I choose to run away instead. I think I'm a bad friend. Although I love everyone around me so much, I keep on wanting something in return for loving them. That's what makes me a bad friend. I want them to love me back the same way I do for them. And for not being able to receive the same amount of love, makes me despise them. I'm terribly hurt. I don't want to be hurt by the people I loved but, I can't help it. I'm just hurt. Badly.

It's my fault though for letting them to hurt me. I think I'm better out of the picture. They won't even notice I guess or probably sooner or later they'll get used to it and then I would be forgotten. Easily.

I'm having a bad time and I can't even properly describe it even. It is as if my body cell is disintegrating into pieces. It feels very heavy to move. My heart feels like it would stop anytime soon. Sometimes I can't breath. Even if I smile when I meet people it feels so weird. I feel out of place you know. Can't find anything to like about myself anymore. No matter how hard I try.

I can't even cry anymore. I try to force it out the other day but I can't and I don't even know why. It will be so much easier if I can cry. Sekali je. Just once. I feel stuffed, bloated and suffocated at times. I just want to sleep.

Wednesday 18 July 2018

Frustrated.

That is all I can say that probably best describe my situation right now. I have been sending out my resume these days. A lot. Like a lotttt. But, unfortunately to no avail. I have yet to receivea single feedback or response. I woke up looking at my phone only to see messages from my telco provider. *sigh

I always sleep at night hoping that the next morning I wake up, I will be able to see, well, at least a single email notification responding to my job application. Even if it is an email rejecting my application, that would be okay for at least I know someone out there is reviewing my application. I would feel less pathetic that way.

I am feeling so hopeless these past few weeks. I have been jobless for few months right now. People have been asking me about it and it annoys me sometimes although I know they are just being concerned and does not mean any harm but still, it is stressing me out.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so useless right now because I am supposed to give my parents money at this age, I should make them happy and proud of me. I am freaking 24 years old for god sake. I am out of time. I am ashamed of myself.

Please.

Thursday 17 May 2018

Job Hunting Is hard


Hi there,

It’s been so long since I updated my blog so I really don’t know how to start. Anyway, currently I am actively looking for a job so yeah.

It was hard frankly speaking, I’ve been to several interviews so far and most of them does not end very well. I failed most of them and the typing test oh my god. I didn’t realized that typing speed can be a very crucial skill for me to get a job.

But, I would not take no for an answer and it really messed up my ego so I decided to borrow my brother’s keyboard to practice typing. I am going to try to apply for the very same position in few weeks. Wish me luck.

Till then.