I'm miserable.

I'm a coward. I choose to run away instead. I think I'm a bad friend. Although I love everyone around me so much, I keep on wanting something in return for loving them. That's what makes me a bad friend. I want them to love me back the same way I do for them. And for not being able to receive the same amount of love, makes me despise them. I'm terribly hurt. I don't want to be hurt by the people I loved but, I can't help it. I'm just hurt. Badly.

It's my fault though for letting them to hurt me. I think I'm better out of the picture. They won't even notice I guess or probably sooner or later they'll get used to it and then I would be forgotten. Easily.

I'm having a bad time and I can't even properly describe it even. It is as if my body cell is disintegrating into pieces. It feels very heavy to move. My heart feels like it would stop anytime soon. Sometimes I can't breath. Even if I smile when I meet people it feels so weird. I feel out of place you know. Can't find anything to like about myself anymore. No matter how hard I try.

I can't even cry anymore. I try to force it out the other day but I can't and I don't even know why. It will be so much easier if I can cry. Sekali je. Just once. I feel stuffed, bloated and suffocated at times. I just want to sleep.