I'm miserable.

I'm a coward. I choose to run away instead. I think I'm a bad friend. Although I love everyone around me so much, I keep on wanting something in return for loving them. That's what makes me a bad friend. I want them to love me back the same way I do for them. And for not being able to receive the same amount of love, makes me despise them. I'm terribly hurt. I don't want to be hurt by the people I loved but, I can't help it. I'm just hurt. Badly.

It's my fault though for letting them to hurt me. I think I'm better out of the picture. They won't even notice I guess or probably sooner or later they'll get used to it and then I would be forgotten. Easily.

I'm having a bad time and I can't even properly describe it even. It is as if my body cell is disintegrating into pieces. It feels very heavy to move. My heart feels like it would stop anytime soon. Sometimes I can't breath. Even if I smile when I meet people it feels so weird. I feel out of place you know. Can't find anything to like about myself anymore. No matter how hard I try.

I can't even cry anymore. I try to force it out the other day but I can't and I don't even know why. It will be so much easier if I can cry. Sekali je. Just once. I feel stuffed, bloated and suffocated at times. I just want to sleep.

Frustrated.

That is all I can say that probably best describe my situation right now. I have been sending out my resume these days. A lot. Like a lotttt. But, unfortunately to no avail. I have yet to receivea single feedback or response. I woke up looking at my phone only to see messages from my telco provider. *sigh

I always sleep at night hoping that the next morning I wake up, I will be able to see, well, at least a single email notification responding to my job application. Even if it is an email rejecting my application, that would be okay for at least I know someone out there is reviewing my application. I would feel less pathetic that way.

I am feeling so hopeless these past few weeks. I have been jobless for few months right now. People have been asking me about it and it annoys me sometimes although I know they are just being concerned and does not mean any harm but still, it is stressing me out.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so useless right now because I am supposed to give my parents money at this age, I should make them happy and proud of me. I am freaking 24 years old for god sake. I am out of time. I am ashamed of myself.

Please.