I'm losing myself these days.

It's easy to pretend you are okay when you are with family and friends, you know. They used to notice when I'm having a hard time with myself. They seek me out. But, now, I don't know. It's either I got better and become reaallly good at pretending or they simply just don't care anymore or probably too occupied to notice.

I was in mid conversation with my sis the other day and laughing when suddenly it hits me, I don't really laugh that time. It was an empty laugh. Maybe it was not obvious but I feel deep down inside, it was empty like really empty. It was more of a sigh than a laugh I suppose.

I don't own my body anymore. I feel like I'm no longer here. I'm just simply functioning. I breathe because I can't stop breathing. I walk, talk or laugh because I have to, not because I want to. I went to sleep because I have to wake up the next day not because I feel sleepy or anything. Sometimes it feels like my heart would stop beating any second but it doesn't. It becomes really slow and painful and I feel like I'm falling into a pit of darkness and become extremely sad for few minutes then it goes away.

Maybe I just miss everyone so much. It is good to know that my friends are doing great and  they are happy. My family too are doing so well. I wish I can be part of it.